Lessons From The Fire
My heart has been with my home state California all week. Like most of the nation, my heart is with those who have been affected by the devastating fires. I am grateful for the flood of calls, texts and messages I have received inquiring about my parents. My response is that their home is not in the area of the fires. However, we have friends and family members who have been affected—some evacuated and some who have lost their homes. So this tragedy touches my family, too. It is a place where many of my friends were born and raised, attended school, and formed a community. My heart aches with them.
Altadena, Ca is a city that holds significant history for the African American population, It served as a haven for African Americans during the Great Migration. It is a place of generational homes that have been in the family. Many African Americans who were born, raised , buried and made an impact in Altadena include: Jackie Robinson, ( African American to play in Major League Baseball, renowned science fiction writer Octavia Butler, Willa Beatrice Brown, first African American woman to earn both a pilots and commercial license, Artist Charles White, Eldrige Cleaver, member of the Black Panther Party and more. This is not just a loss of physical homes, but also of heritage and memories tied to the community.
As I reflected on the impact of loss from a physical fire, I thought about other forms of fire that impact us, spiritual and emotional fires. Fires that represent loss or struggle. In the midst of this week, I received heartbreaking news about the passing of a high school classmate and friend. Our classmates’ group chat was a space where we wept, shared and held on to each other by a loss that devastated us.
In the midst of it, I thought about the lessons we can learn from the fire, especially how we can show up and be present for those still recovering from their own fires—whether physical, spiritual, or emotional.
Lesson 1: Be Present and Listen
One of the most transformative experiences of my life was my Chaplain residency. It taught me that the ministry of intentional presence and listening to people who are in the midst of their fire is essential. I remember a visit with a patient, who poured out her feelings as she had to deal with a devastating diagnosis that gave her a prognosis of living a few weeks. She poured about the flow of doctors, family members and the frustration and anger about the unfairness of it all. When she finished, she looked at me and said, “Chaplain, this is the pits” (Okay that is not what she said, but you get the point) I sat and looked at her and responded, “You’re right, that is the pits.” (Okay that is not what I said, but you get the point)
As soon as I said it aloud, my inner voice said
“Sheila Patrice Spencer, (Yes, I said my whole Name) What did you just say to this patient?!?”
My patient had a look of shock and I knew she was thinking the same. After a moment she said, “Thank you , Chaplain” and I sputtered out “Thank me for what?” She continued, “All day I have to deal with people talking to me about diagnosis, prognosis, medications, next steps. Family talking over me and telling me how I need to feel. Whenever I start to share my frustration, they cut me off by telling me how I am supposed to feel. I feel not seen, I may or may not always feel this way, but if I can’t pour out how I feel, how can I heal? “
As tears rolled down her cheeks, “Thank you for listening to me, really listening to me and making me feel seen. You are the first person who has done that”
I held her hand for the next hour as tears rolled down our faces.
Listen and be present and let people feel what they feel during their fire.
Lesson 2 Allow People to feel fully
Sometimes we have the best intentions. When someone is in the midst of the fire, we have our automatic toolbox of encouraging phrases that are our go to. Even with our intent, sometimes people are still reeling from their fire and are tender. There are moments when we have to discern that what we may mean as a positive phrase, may come off as dismissive. Let people be …. I was reading and encountered this scripture in Proverbs that speaks directly to that.
Proverbs 25:20 (Message Bible) “Singing light songs to the heavy hearted is like pouring salt in their wounds.” This passage reminds us that well-intentioned words can sometimes unintentionally make a situation worse.
Knowledge is knowing all the phrases in your Encouraging Words tool box, but wisdom is knowing when to use them or keep the box (and your mouth) closed.
You can never go wrong with a “Love You” Acknowledge their current reality while affirming their feelings without pushing them toward healing or solutions
Lesson 3: Pray and then attach legs
One of my favorite phrases is after you pray, attach legs to your prayers by doing actions that move in the direction of what you prayed for. There are tangible ways that are love in action. For example, you can donate to trusted organizations or groups that address those affected by their particular fire, (red cross, shelters, etc) One of my phrases is everybody gotta eat, I have sent or texted a gift certificate for some coffee or food place. Cash app or send funds with a I love you. There are meaningful ways to show love and care that meet immediate needs and offer comfort.
Lessons From the Fire
Be Present and Listen Deeply
Allow People to feel and express freely without dismissing their emotions
Pray and attach legs by taking tangible supportive actions that lead you in the direction of what you have prayed for.
Lessons From The Fire Prayer:
Creator
Guide us as we walk with those who are reeling from the devastation of their own fire,
Remind us of the gift of presence and listening, not just saying what we desire,
Teach us to be attentive to whatever they may need.
With tangible action, intentionality and empathy,
Teach us to be present in the way that they need and require
Let’s remember these lessons from the fire.