I saw a card that read, "There’s always that one... the strong friend." We all know the strong friend—or maybe you are the strong friend. The one everyone counts on to show up. We hear all the phrases, like "check on the strong friend," until they almost feel cliché. But what if we shared that role? Why does someone always have to be the strong friend? The label can feel heavy if it’s the only crown we’re allowed to wear. What if the role of the strong friend shifted within the group and became something we all shared?
This past weekend, I spent time with women I met 40 years ago. It was a gathering where we could simply be ourselves. In that sacred time, we weren’t responsible for being anyone other than who we truly are. We had time to nap, shop, talk, or do whatever our souls needed. In that space, I was reminded up close and personally of how much we need each other. I promise you, each of us is going through something. Our struggles may look different, but our presence offers the same comfort. We don’t have to—and shouldn’t have to—always be the strong friend.
There’s so much more I could say about being the "strong woman," but that’s a conversation for another time. I prayed about this and wanted to share some practical steps we can take to check on the strong friend. My invitation is for you to choose a few of these suggestions and be a blessing to that friend. Strong friends are often the last to ask for help, and usually the last to have someone ask how they’re doing.
The first set of steps offers ways to check in on your strong friend. The second set is for you, if you’re the strong friend—steps to care for and gift to yourself.
1. Ask How You Can Help
A simple “What can I do to help you?” shows care. Sometimes just knowing that somebody just cares enough to ask is a blessing. Don’t assume you have the answer. You may find that what they need is our second suggestion … listen.
2. Just Listen
Sometimes, the strong friend just needs someone to listen without judgment or advice. They don’t need you to fix it or solve it. Being fully present can be more helpful than offering solutions. Honor them by listening.
Rachel Remen says, “The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Perhaps the most important thing that we ever give each other is our attention. A loving silence often has more power than the most well-intentioned words.”
3. Affirm Their Strength AND Acknowledge Their Struggle
Remind them of their courage, but also let them know it’s okay not to be okay. Never dismiss their struggle with, “You’re strong, you got this” This response is the least helpful and probably won’t encourage them to confide in you. However you can affirm their courage, but remind them they don’t have to carry this alone.”
4. Check In Regularly
Even if they say they’re fine, follow up. A quick message or call can remind them they are cared for and supported. You can pre-schedule text messages, place reminders on your calendar to write a note or call. I have a friend who is my Messenger Angel and her “I love you and pray for you” messages are a balm to my soul.
5. Offer Tangible Help (WITHOUT waiting to be asked)
Take care of small tasks—run an errand, drop off a meal, or send a note. These gestures can ease their load. If you know their favorite drink, or snack, these are simple things that can be a blessing. Offer to babysit, take the initiative when you see the or foresee a need. Do you know your friend?
6. Be a Safe Space
FYI - This is important, so make sure that you are prepared to do this BEFORE you offer it. Assure them they can be themselves with you, whether they need to vent, cry, or just sit in silence. Allow them to be able to release and honor this space and don’t act shocked when they open up …… at least not in front of them. Offer and honor confidentiality. Again This is important, so make sure that you are prepared to do this BEFORE you offer it.
7. Encourage Rest and Self-Care
Gently nudge them to slow down. Suggest a break or offer to take a walk together to encourage them to prioritize their well-being. Offer to watch their children to give them some time to breath, treat them to a class. Remind them they are already worthy of rest.
Tips for the Strong Friend: Taking Care of You
1. Give Yourself Grace
We often set the highest expectations for ourselves. It’s okay to not always have it all together—be kind to yourself and extend grace. Perfectionism does not serve us.
2. Set Boundaries
I unintentionally crossed a boundary with a friend. She knew I was unaware of the boundary and let me know. I immediately apologized and appreciated her for loving herself enough to let me know. Boundaries don’t shut others out; they protect your time and energy. They help you create balance and safeguard your well-being.
3. Prioritize Joy
Take time for what brings you joy. Whether it’s reading, resting, or creating, these moments refill your spirit and allow you to show up fully for others. Use the same energy for yourself that you do for others. Start with small steps and time increments.
4. Pray for Discernment
This one right here. Pray for wisdom to surround yourself with safe, supportive people. You don’t need to carry the weight alone; find those who will walk with you. Remind yourself to be open when the answer comes in the form of someone offering to help and be present. It may come in the form of teaching you to delegate.
5. Be Your Own Friend
If you feel unsupported, start with self-care. Speak kindly to yourself, practice compassion, and recognize that you are worthy of the love and care you give. Learn to receive. Compassion starts at home.
6. Seek Therapy
Yes I said it. On my first day of seminary, a professor said that it is important for us to remember that we will be pouring into others and they will be receiving from us. It is vital that we have a space and place to receive and be poured into. Those who refresh others also need to be refreshed. My therapist and spiritual director provide a space where I can be. Take care of you. We all need spaces where we can be poured into. Therapy, or a spiritual director, offers a safe place to be yourself and recharge. Make it part of your self-care with a professional.
7. Self-Care Playlist
Create your own playlist. Let it accompany your moments of rest and reflection. Take a moment to click link below to listen to this curated playlist, designed to uplift and inspire
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2VU4ZPZQRBWUy1in5P1dgP?si=K4tmyyIKQOSNdYYwDKpikQ&pi=u-o6LhV1amSxG9
Now that we have shared these suggestions, your first impulse may be to forward this to someone. But I invite you to be a tangible blessing and do one of the suggestions for your friend or for yourself.
The Strong Friend title is a crown that is too heavy to bear, Let’s shift the narrative and make the Strong Friend role something we alternate or share.
Peace and Blessings,
Rev Sheila P Spencer
